Why Relationships Don’t Get Off The Ground: Method To Make It Last

The relationship we’ve always dreamed of is more within reach than we think.  That can sound far fetched if we’ve struggled in love for years or even decades. Until we realize every relationship that doesn’t turn out to be ‘it’ is preparing us for the one that is. Consider the pain of marathon training; it’s painful but equally necessary. If we quit the first few times we get winded because it’s uncomfortable, we’ll never make it to the finish line. In love, the long run of disappointments are intense training for the race that counts. Only when we find the One will we understand why it never worked out with anyone else.

The Unconscious Guard Against Love

The contradictory approach of opening our heart while simultaneously protecting it is ineffective. This motive plays not to lose rather than to win.  Embracing risk requires us to be brave but it’s the only road that can lead to love.  Shutting down at the first sign of trouble feels the safest but guarantees failure. While it’s counterintuitive, lasting love involves stripping our defenses. When we keep our guard up, we get hurt anyway. So why not go for it and take a chance of actually getting what we want? Recall that our willingness to be vulnerable demonstrates strength, not weakness.

We seldom examine why we avoid heartache at all cost.  Prepping for that marathon comes with the expectation that it’s going to hurt some and we accept it.  Likewise we can predict a measure of soreness on the path to love. When people let us down they are just showing us they aren’t the One! Not everyone was meant to be together forever.

Duality such as love and fear exists in every facet of the universe and are opposite sides of the same coin. When a lion catches a gazelle it’s a good day for the lion and a bad day for the gazelle. If we never feel sad, we would have no way to enjoy feeling happy. If everything comes easily, how could we get excited about it? In essence we unconsciously deny half of our life by desperately holding on to the ‘good times.’ Attempting to sidestep anything that resembles distress is unrealistic and futile.  To truly experience more love we need to welcome and see value in all aspects of life.  Ironically, splitting everything into good and bad compounds our affliction. Where we stumble and find bliss both contribute to who we become in a constructive way. In fact our worst relationships offer us the biggest opportunity to grow.

An important side note is that not everyone is ready to commit to finding true love. If love finds us before we’re fully prepared, we will unconsciously sabotage it.

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Love Vision

Become The One

Get clear on the relationship you wish to have. Focus on the quality of the connection and the how you’d relate on a daily basis. After taking time to journal about this in detail, a relevant question arises. What type of person has a relationship of this caliber? Are they filled with self love or self doubt? How do they handle conflict? Do they conduct themselves maturely or react emotionally? How do they respond when their partner isn’t doing what they want? Do they shut down or stay open? In what way would they behave in the beginning stages of the courtship when things are definitely uncertain? Oh that’s a big one.

Our goal is to embody this person. They are our relationship avatar. Finding the One has more to do with becoming the person we want to be with than searching for them. Until we integrate the characteristics we seek in another within ourselves, we won’t be a match for a union that operates at this level. Who do I have to be to have this? When we begin to act in alignment with our purpose, we literally become someone who can follow through on the intended outcome.

Building a new persona is not the goal here. Pretending is very different from becoming because when we’re faking it, we are infusing the underlying energy into our actions. For example, acting confident while feeling insecure will create a result that reflects the insecurity.

This mission challenges us to expand beyond the small definition of what we’re capable of, which is often limited to what we’ve experienced in the past. If the last three people we dated cheated, we will likely proceed with caution to the next one.  Our response to the anticipated threat urges us to act a certain way which will likely replicate previous results, unintentionally.  Then we’re left asking, ‘why does this always happen to me?’ The new plan is to pause, examine our mind, and ask how we would proceed if we had never been burned before. By no means easy, you’re worth the extra effort.

Lesley Barabas
Jungian Life Coach - Master's Level Certification

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