How To Get Unstuck In Love

Ditch The Dating Tips

Many of us have resorted to reading books or taking courses to guide us from the first date to the final engagement with the intent of not screwing it up. Again. Common techniques include some combination of changing how we look, playing it cool, or limiting our availability to appear more enticing. But if losing 5 pounds and not coming across too clingy were viable advice, no one who’s overweight or needy would be in a relationship. Ever know a heavy or insecure person who’s married? Yeah me too. I guess we just debunked those modern day myths.

Pretending to be confident while denying self-doubt is like wearing a mask. Temporary behavior change doesn’t touch the root problem. Diets don’t produce lasting effects for the same reason. Deep down if we regard ourselves as unworthy, then that is the energy we’ll be putting into our actions. Game tactics only work to attract the kind of person we’re trying to quit dating. You know, the people who only get interested as we’re walking out the door.

Good news. Disguise is not necessary.

Fixing ourselves is not effective in attracting a quality partner because there’s nothing to fix! The person we are today, in this moment, is just right. We can choose to grow but shouldn’t misconstrue this to mean there’s something wrong with us. In Jungian psychology, a fundamental tenant is that human beings are never broken. No matter what has happened in our life, healing is not required because that implies we are damaged in some way. All human beings are imperfectly perfect. It is our design and nature. Those who hurt us had no idea how their actions would impact us and no knowledge that we’d become more magnificent because of it. Everything we’ve experienced as a wound allowed us to realize our strength.

I once heard that you can’t say the wrong thing to the right person, or the right thing to the wrong person. When someone adores us they’re not going to leave when we say the wrong thing or make a mistake. If they do, they aren’t a match for the relationship we want. Now we can move on to someone who is.


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What Keeps Us Stuck?

If we have cultivated a mind of lack over time, we’ll perceive there’s no one out there who meets our standards.  To engage in a profound relationship we’ve never had before, we can’t use the same mind that has created our current patterns. We have to begin harvesting a mind of love.  Results always match the mind that created them.

There’s a part of our psyche that interferes with attracting our ideal partner called the Ego. It’s sole function is to keep us safe and alive. It’s incredibly important to understand how it asserts itself to love because awareness can transcend it. The Ego warns us to be careful and looks at the people we date with high skepticism. For example, it might advise us to break it off because the person doesn’t respond quickly enough to our texts. Or because they’re too short, still talking to their ex, or too into us. We need to expect the Ego to be overly critical at all times of ourselves and others. It does so to keep us safe.

Anything we desire beyond the Ego’s confines is a threat and is not seen as possible. It’s vision is limited to what has happened in the past. This is why we have repeating patterns in our relationships. Our goal is to harness the Ego by beginning to recognize it’s voice and consciously not giving it power. The Ego is not the enemy, it’s done a fantastic job of keeping us intact so we should be grateful for it. We just need to put it in its proper place and understand its limitations.

Look at where you retreat.  If we want an amazing relationship, we have to move beyond the limits of its comfort zone. We must also expect to hear a louder voice to stop when we do. A comfort zone is not where we want to be, it is just what’s familiar. The challenge for a person who’s been in a thirty year marriage will be to be alone. For someone who’s been single for twenty years the intimidation will be to intimately share their life with someone. They’re opposite sides of the same coin. To start, just notice where you pull back. Maybe you delete someone’s number to avoid rejection. Perhaps you activate your online profile because you check and see they did. The Ego attempts to defend us in these ways.

We have to practice expanding beyond the invisible wall that keeps us stuck by taking small steps through it. Notice I didn’t say around it. For example, we could wait two days before deleting that persons number rather than doing it right now.  This will command us to deal with uneasiness but it begins to break the pattern. To use discomfort in a constructive way, see our blog called “How To Deal With Difficult Emotions”.  It’s not easy, but taking action despite the apprehension we feel is how we grow and attain our goals. Holding off on deleting someone’s number seems like a mini behavior change but it creates a significant inner shift. Repeating a new practice no matter how trivial actually begins to re-wire our synaptic brain activity and build new connections.

When we hear the Ego’s cautioning and back down, we remain secure but nothing in our experience can change. Expansion means we sense the same fear we’ve always felt, yet we bravely step forward anyway. Growth is all about risk and adventure, and there are no guarantees. When we expand we show the Universe that we’re ready to receive our dreams.

Lesley Callan

Certified Jungian Life Coach

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