3 (Real) Reasons He Disappeared

Real Reason #1:

Real intimacy scares him. It’s safe for a man to pursue a physically or emotionally unavailable woman. She could be involved with someone else, live out of state, or just not be invested in him. Circumstances like these have a built in barrier that protect him from getting too close. Unconsciously he knows it’s not going to go anywhere which allows him to develop deep emotions for her. This gives him the inner experience of being in love without true vulnerability and risk. Being enamored with a woman he’s superficially connected to doesn’t threaten his comfort zone.

His feelings will be more reserved for a woman who’s emotionally and/or physically available. He knows it could conceivably lead to a meaningful connection and expose him to heartache. He will unconsciously perceive the danger.

The emphasis here is that he’s not conscious of his impulse to split when things get serious. He only knows it feels uncomfortable to get closer. By pushing you away he’s attempting to mitigate that discomfort. It has nothing to do with your appearance, personality, or character. If any of those were an issue he wouldn’t have been attracted to you in the first place! His anxiety around intimacy is related to an unconscious idea that somehow love equals suffering.

Chasing a man who continuously demonstrates he will not commit leaves us with a choice. If we elect to stay involved and experience pain it’s a clue that there’s something within us that aligns with his evasive nature. Otherwise we’d move on to find someone who is willing to commit. Becoming aware of how we are non-committal by choosing men who reflect it empowers us to shift.

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Real Reason #2:

He’s reflecting your fear of intimacy. Re-read reason number one and apply to self.  Famed psychiatrist C.G. Jung developed a model of the psyche in which we unconsciously project our own fears onto others. It appears that they fear commitment. However what we see in them is a reflection of our own fear.

If our heart is guarded we’ll match up like a puzzle piece with a man who fears real love. He’ll pull away and we’ll unconsciously be more drawn to him because of his distance. This creates a cat and mouse game where we’re the pursuer and he’s the runaway. Although we appear to have opposing positions, we’re inherently the same. We’re both playing defense. The pursuer presents as the one who genuinely wants the relationship to work out. The runaway is always making excuses about why it can’t. The common denominator is the fixed space between us.

The discernible quality between the runner and the chaser is awareness. One communicates that he’s not fully present to the relationship. The other insists she’s one hundred percent in. He’s somewhat conscious of his unavailability. She is not.

The good news is when we make our fear of love conscious, we can then attract someone we connect with in a deep, soulful way. Recognizing the love within ourselves makes it possible for a man to mirror that love back to us.

Real Reason #3:

Men experience pain and loss and put up walls to guard their heart just like we do. They experience the same depth of feeling as women but express it differently.  Men have been burned too. It’s not you he’s trying to escape, it’s the discomfort he feels when someone crosses the invisible fence around him.

Can you look back and remember a wonderful guy you couldn’t appreciate at the time? In hindsight, was something wrong with him or were you not receptive to adoration from someone who genuinely cared for you? Examine when and where you’ve been unavailable to men. Look at the feeling that arises when a man is elusive versus when one is actively pursuing you. Hopefully you’re starting to see yourself as part of the equation.

There’s a lot of focus on how men and women are different. While there are some innate and physical differences, we’re still far more alike than we are different. Fear of commitment isn’t a man thing, it’s a human thing. Seek to understand yourself and you will understand men.

Lesley Barabas
Jungian Life Coach - Master's Level Certification

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