3 Keys To Finding The One


How do we attract the love of our life? Magnetize them through some diabolical force or meet them by the mercy of chance? When it comes to finding the One, we start by knowing we control our destiny. Our fate is ours to create.

Creation begins by using our mind like a laser beam, holding it on what we want to experience, not what we’re avoiding. Our focus acts as a magnifying glass amplifying whatever we fixate on. If we frequently think about how selfish men are, we’ll tend to date a lot of selfish men. Create a picture of the relationship you want. Practice retaining this vision as often as possible. As you slowly retrain your mind, notice how often it wants to marinate in the past. The method of observing our thoughts instead of thinking them is called Meta-consciousness, which allows us to witness the stories that are running our life.

When we begin with a false premise, no amount of effort produces the result we’re looking for. It’s like building a house on sand. Even with perfect instructions and the best materials it won’t work. Repeating affirmations, pretending to be more confident or framing a vision board do not build the foundation we need to change our life. The key is much deeper. We need to broaden the limited nature of our mind. The psyche is quite possibly the most invaluable instrument we have but like any other tool it’s only useful if we know how to use and apply it.

Visualization performed on a regular basis can help attract our soul relationship. Tapping into how we feel as we visualize our ideal relationship will expedite it. We also need to pay attention to where our mind wanders the other 23 hours and 45 minutes of the day. Whenever we catch ourselves in old thinking patterns we’re unknowingly re-creating the past. Each time we gently bring our mind back to our intention we get better at it.  If we hold the vision as we deal with disappointments in dating, we will see our love life shifting.

Remember that everything ever invented began in someone’s mind. The concept of google was just an idea at some point. Facebook only existed as a thought before it became a social media giant.  If the founders didn’t take action to create these enormous successes despite all the set backs in the process, they might still just be un-manifest ideas. The first key to attracting The One is to understand the power of our mind to create. None of us are at the mercy of circumstance or luck in love – although often it seems so.


In the phase after we meet someone, watch how we respond internally when they appear to waver. The energy we bring to this new union greatly influences its destiny. Our thoughts carry a polarity that extends into our actions. If someone doesn’t call or text for a day or two, what story does our mind make up? Is our confidence dependent on whether or not they call? What if we knew how fortunate this person would be to have us in their life…consider how our presence feels to another person when we’re not grasping at them.

Intimacy is often misunderstood as flirting, sex, and fun. More accurately it occurs in the moments when two people are unsure where the other stands, yet allow themselves to be vulnerable rather than shutting down. Intimacy is also cultivated when we work through conflict together. Our culture implies that when we meet someone it’s supposed to go smoothly and then poof, we’re a couple!  Since we each bring our own complex personal history, the algorithm is rarely that straightforward. If they’re going at a different pace, they’re not wrong. Likewise your worth doesn’t fluctuate based on what they do or don’t do.

In the beginning, varying degrees of doubt will infiltrate. During this phase of uncertainty we practice being ok with not having a guarantee. The impulse is to be guarded but the objective is to stay open. In order to have a soulful connection, our mindset has to shift from needing absolute security to accepting the unpredictability. Ironically this is the way we build trust in ourselves, which allows us to get closer to another person. The second key is that finding The One requires us to be courageous.


Staying open during the period between our first interaction and ‘settling down’ will challenge us to the core. We usually await the other person to put themselves out there before we do. If they don’t give us that positive declaration we justify hiding or pushing them away. This guarantees we won’t be abandoned but it also guarantees the relationship won’t develop. Nothing remarkable ever comes from playing it safe.

A unified bond is a natural outcome of enduring the stages of doubt, not running away from them. We know our soul mate has arrived when we feel grounded with them. There will never be a sense that they’re slipping through our fingers or afraid they’ll leave if we make a mistake. We’ll experience calmness rather than nervousness. Being alone without this individual, we would not be able to grow in the same way.

Infatuation may be exciting but it’s not love. Sounds unromantic on the surface but there’s no bigger turn on than growing to new levels with the person we love. When we come together as whole individuals, our motive changes from trying to fill a void to full self expression and connecting. The third key is that we no longer seek someone to compensate for a part of us we believe is lacking.

“For one human being to love another: that is perhaps the most difficult of all our tasks, the ultimate, the last test and proof, the work for which all other work is but preparation. Love is a high inducement to the individual to ripen.” ~ Rainer Maria Rilke

Lesley Callan
Certified Jungian Life Coach

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