3 Commandments Of Turning Your Love Life Around

Mind Is The Source

Have you ever been on a date and felt an amazing connection, only to find out later you’d never hear from that person again? Maybe we assumed they felt a connection because we felt one. Perhaps they communicated their lack of interest through a combination of indirect words and body language but we ignored it because our mind was focused on what we wanted to see. It’s no secret this kind of misunderstanding is common in the world of dating.

We rarely think of it this way, but our connection to another person exists in our mind. Yes, there’s an actual human we’re interacting with but everything we experience about them has to go through our minds’  filter . Both infatuation and repulsion are derived from our mind based on how we perceive someone.

Think of a person you have a big crush on. Passion floods your body and your stomach flutters. That visceral response is coming from you, not them. Another woman could hang out with the man you adore and feel nothing special for him. It appears he’s universally irresistible, but it’s your interpretation of him that is the source of those feelings. Let’s put a little science behind this concept.

Brain And Mind Are Different

Let’s look at a practical illustration. The brain is the processing center for our 5 senses – sight, hearing, touch, taste, and smell. Our mind is responsible for translating the sensory input. One cannot operate independent of the other. Say we go to the beach and into the ocean waist high. We feel the water on our skin, hear the waves crashing, see the sky and clouds, taste the salt in the air, and smell the ocean breeze.

Brain is the physiological aspect and mind is the psychological aspect of how we process the environment. Every conversation we have requires us to ascribe meaning to what someone is saying. Our brain mechanisms allow us to hear the words but our mind construes what they imply. Where does our mind go when someone says they’re too busy to see us? If we’re really into them, it might go to crazy town. If not, we might not even give it a thought. So here the same exact scenario induces a completely different perception.


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Eyes are the physical mechanism that enables us to see people, but our opinion of their beauty is subjective. Someone we don’t find handsome could be good looking to someone else. Culture dictates what we recognize as superficially ideal via media, magazines and Disney movies. Still people aren’t inherently attractive or unattractive. Each of us perceives uniquely, even when we are looking at the same person.

We could go on a date tonight with Dan, who we find utterly dull. Dan could go out tomorrow night with someone else who finds him intriguing. Dan is neither dull nor intriguing. Dan is Dan. Each of us sees and judges him through the filter of our own mind. Even though we may see similarities about him, our opinion has very little to do with him objectively. It’s much more about the way we perceive him.

Revelation: You are free to be yourself on dates and in relationships because the other person isn’t even seeing you. They can only see their perception of you.

We See What We Believe

What goes through your head when someone you’re dating doesn’t text for a few days? Whatever story develops reveals how you value yourself unconsciously. Suppose you conclude you’re not good enough in some way when a mans’ contact drops off. His action is just exposing the underlying assumption about your own self worth. When you infer that your value remains constant whether a man texts you or not, that demonstrates your confidence in who you are. Why should a what a man does determine your value?

In dating, people are showing us what we believe about ourselves just as you are affirming to others what they believe about themselves. Consider a time when you innocently failed to call someone back and they construed that you didn’t like them. That implication came from their mind, not yours.

When relationships end it often appears that the break-up is precipitated by the other person’s actions, but we often don’t see our own participation. For example if someone seems to be pulling away we may react defensively and unintentionally push them away. When it’s over it confirms our original suspicion that they were backing off. We’ll clearly see what they did to cause it, but not so much what we did. People and situations appear to have a fixed nature that we are simply observing. It’s more accurate to say they appear the way our mind shapes them.

It’s natural to resist the idea that our mind is solely responsible for creating our experiences.  We’ve believed everyone else needs to change in order for us to feel good.  Reclaiming our power begins when we shift our focus from what they’re doing to what our mind is doing.

Lesley Callan

Certified Jungian Life Coach

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